I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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