I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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