I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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