They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
