New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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