I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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