The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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