Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
