the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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