What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
