I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
