it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
please come you make the beer taste better
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
