I smell stomach acid.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I need to stop coming to work sober
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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