Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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