i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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