the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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