there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
PANTIES FOUND
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