i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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