im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
