So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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