More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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