i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
