We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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