You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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