thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
