Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
