I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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