drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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