Kiss
Puke
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My vagina is officially offended.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
