Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
