My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
