she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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