Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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