I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
