I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
