she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
