I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
