Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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