I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize