You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
