i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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