I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize