I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
