i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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