i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
