Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
