before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
