Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
