My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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