How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
FUCK WHALES
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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