where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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