Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Randomize
