you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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