great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
