I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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