I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
