I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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