this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
