She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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